"Broken Spokes" is the story of my life: a combination of broken bones, broken bicycle and a broken spirit. An injury as a child left me with many unintentional negative messages and I realized a few years ago that I'm not the person I would have been, had the accident not happened. My book details how I began to discard those childhood messages and what it took to find my "balance" in life.
This journey back through my life was extremely painful and there were times when I wasn't sure I wanted to continue to lay bare my emotions. The completion of "Broken Spokes" took nearly three years of riding an emotional roller coaster.
As I relived my life in preparation for this book, I began to see that a lack of self-confidence, poor self-image and low self-esteem prevented me from accomplishing so many things. Writing was just one of them.
Life repeatedly presented some form of roadblock each time I came even remotely close to touching success. An incident would occur where my needs, my wants were placed on the back burner. I had always put other's desires before mine. Even total strangers, who would ask for help sensed that I could never say "No" to any request. Every time I attempted to break the negative hold that childhood still had on me, a physical, emotional, or mental incident prevented me from completing any dream, any form of success.
Years ago I was a dancer in the show "Jesus Christ Superstar," and had a solo as the "Maid by the fire.' An audition on Broadway at the Minskoff Theater resulted in comments in my portfolio that I had extreme talent and a career as a choreographer and singer.
During the show and audition my right hip bothered me - the one I injured as a child. Shortly after the audition, my leg took a turn for the worse and I needed to have my first hip replacement. That ended my career as a dancer and the beginning of my life on disability.
I used to ride my horse in rodeos and various shows, garnishing 1st place ribbons and trophies. My hip replacement took that life away from me also. I compensated for both losses by becoming a stage director for plays at a local college, and teaching children to horseback ride, but neither ever elicited the same feeling of freedom that dancing and riding did, and eventually I resigned myself to the fact that that part of my life was over.
Growing up in an era where being called a “cripple” didn't have as negative of an impact as it does now and was still hurt full, yet caused me to grow into someone who understood handicaps and special needs. I found myself gravitated more toward those with physical and emotional challenges because I had been there and could empathize.
As a child, I did consider myself "crippled" physically and emotionally. Growing up, I found my physical handicap much less painful than my emotional one. Now, I suppose society would "label" me as physically challenged and in emotional recovery. The terminology is irrelevant at this point. I know and understand that I face life and situations differently than others. I react stronger and directly from the heart to things that others would not even consider important or worthy of a second thought.
One of the negative messages that took nearly 28 years to discard was the “Don’t cry” message, unintentionally drilled into my head and heart by hospital staff and family. By crying, I would upset those around me. When my father died, I couldn’t cry for him. My husband died when our son was 4 ½ years old, yet no tears fell. A kind and persistent psychologist spent almost two years breaking down the stone wall I created around me for protection at the age of six.
I'm learning slowly to put myself first, to stop feeling like it is my job to make those around me happy, to stop feeling guilty for things I have no control over, and to eliminate the words, "Don't," and "Can't," from my vocabulary - a very large part of my childhood messages.
Throughout my life, each death, surgery, trauma, accident, disappointment, made me crawl back into the protective stone wall I built as a child. That wall has finally become a pile of rubble over the past few years and now I am starting to become who I really am and am allowing people to begin to know the real me. My one regret when I first held my published novel in my hands was that I had no one to share my feelings with. This tells me that it is finally time to let others into my world.
I will admit there were many cathartic moments that eventually blended into a sense of accomplishment and a pride that I hadn't felt since the birth of my son 27 years ago. Raising a child alone, coupled with physical and emotional limitations was never easy, yet my son grew to be a happy, well-adjusted young man who is now a member of the United States Army.
The publication of "Broken Spokes" is an important milestone in my life. My psychologist once said that, “The armor you carry becomes heavier along the way.” By writing the story of my life, not only do I feel that armor melting away, but falling to the ground around me, making me stronger each day.
Negative messages are beginning to dissipate and I am finally becoming who I should have been all along - just me.
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“Broken Spokes portrays a cathartic journey of an innocent child to a mature woman. Her experiences are truly heartfelt and moving. It has been a privilege being a part of her life.” – Robert Carangelo,M.D.
More About the Author:
Arlene R. O'Neil is the parent of a US Soldier and the Author of “Broken Spokes,” Arlene’s first published novel.
In addition to being an author, Arlene is a self-employed editor and proofreader and a regular contributor to www.goarmyparents.com
A member of several blind dog lists, Arlene is also involved in animal rescue and transport and an advocate for handicapped animals.
Her inspirational life story of survival, “Broken Spokes,” is available through Amazon.com and Sagabooks.net.
